I’m not a Christian, but I think you’re misunderstanding how “holy” texts are supposed to work. They aren’t designed to be a riveting story, or even to make any sense in order. They’ve been translated so many times that they are a labyrinth of words compared to whatever the original intent was. The only way they function now is like sifting through word salad to find the occasional insightful line that resonates with you.
That isn’t necessarily bad—it can actually make the kernels of wisdom more impactful when you’ve been using your interpretive brain to get through the rest of it—but the problem lies in people finding meaning or justification in the horrible bits.
I actually think Jewish scholars have the right idea in a way: they treat the Torah as a story, a mathematical puzzle, and a secret code all at the same time. The wisdom is in the interpretation, not the literalness of it. People are supposed to question it because there is no predefined truth to swallow from it.
That’s how a lot of eye witness accounts go, and the writers of the Bible aren’t even eye witnesses. It’s no wonder that everybody has a totally different version of events.